I did a journeying (for lack of a better term) this morning, after waking up. I noticed a sense of hardness in me, and stayed with it to see what (if anything) would happen...
Hard shining black pearls
There is a small black pearl in my heart area, although a little behind my back. Now, many small black pearls throughout the heart area, of slightly different sizes and forms, all hard and shining. Then a very large one, with a center in the heart area but going far beyond this physical body.
All of the pearls are hard and shiny. They seem far too hard. They are inert, with no interaction with the human self or anything else. I am staying with this hardness.
Sinking into dark crumbly soil
The large pearl sinks into a dark crumbly soil, which is from the belly down. It is slowly softening.
Luminous black infinity
Then there is a sense of unbelievable vastness everywhere, as a luminous blackness, somehow centered in the heart region. It is black, shining, everywhere, infinite, in all directions. It has the shiny black quality of the initial pearls, but is also a void, empty, allowing anything within it.
Fear of nothing to hold onto
Fear and disorientation comes up. There is nothing to hold onto in this infinity, no ground, nothing fixed.
Attention stays with the fear, and it shows up as a knot (or a fist) in the belly. I stay with the knot.
Space below, and dark crumbly soil
After a while, it softens and expands. There is a sense of space in the belly area, the whole lower area of the torso. A soft expansive space.
The space opens up below, allowing the whole of earth... Soft, crumbly soil. Dark, quiet, nourishing, earthy. It is like a womb, nurturing everywhere.
There is an incredible sense of spaciousness and fullness below. Dark, nourishing, spacious and full.
Infinite luminous blackness, and my human self torn into pieces by the infinity
Attention goes back to the infinite luminous blackness, everywhere yet also centered in the heart area.
There is an image of my human self floating in this infinity, and being torn in all directions by the infinite. Fear comes up again. (I see how my identification with this human self, with something decidedly finite, prevents me from going into the infinite luminous blackness, finding myself as it. Being identified with my human self, there is a sense of it being torn into pieces when I go into the infinite.)
The fear is a form of resistance to this infinity, to finding myself as this infinity.
An image of armor comes up, as an armadillo, a Japanese warrior, a tank. (This is the resistance.)
Attention goes to the spine in the lower back, from the tailbone to the end of the ribcage. There is a sense of an energetic hole there, a weakness, impoverished, depleted of energy. The center of the hole seems to be just below the navel (tan tien area.)
I stay with this weakened spine area. (I am also aware of the vast, spacious crumbly soil below, and of the infinite luminous blackness everywhere.)
[I get up an shower, then take a few minutes to go into this again.]
Specks of golden light, and nurturing full blackness
I continue staying with the energetic hole in the spine. After a while, numerous small specks of golden light start working in the spine area, reorganizing and healing. Then, the soft nourishing blackness fills the same area, nurturing the spine and everything else there.
I am with the golden specks and the nurturing full blackness, and sense the fullness and healing in a very tangible way.
After a while, a light gray inner lining of the spine is pulled out through the bottom of the spine. Where the lining used to be, a luminous golden blackness comes up. Healing, working.
[to be continued]
The dark crumbly vast soil below, from belly down, and somehow centered in the belly.
The luminous blackness everywhere, infinite, and centered in the heart. (The black pearls with the same quality as this luminous blackness, and revealing themselves as this infinite luminous blackness.)
The energetic hole in the lower spine, centered in tan tien.
The working on this energetic deficiency by innumerable specks of golden light (active, moving around) and the nurturing full blackness (nurturing.)
I notice how the belly center darkness is vast, dark and nurturing, as crumbly soil. The heart center darkness is a luminous blackness, a void, infinite, combining the alive luminosity and the empty blackness. And what works on the spine is active golden specks of light (yang), along with a nurturing full blackness (yin).
The initial too hard quality of the pearls seems to be connected with a resistance to finding myself as the (luminous black) infinity. And this fear and resistance, taking the form of a hard armor, comes from being identified with this human form.