Within the same topic, there are not only several angles that beliefs come in at, but also several layers and levels of beliefs.

There is the level of specifics, such as I shouldn't make mistakes. And then there is the level of more core beliefs, such as it is possible to make a mistake or mistakes exist.

So here is a deeper belief for me, underlying many particular beliefs I have worked on the the past...

I can lose something.

1. Yes (That definitely seems true. I can think of many things I can lose - such as my life, my health, relationships, opportunities, on and on.)
   
   
2. No (I cannot know that for sure. I appears that way to me, right now, but that is all. I also don't know that loss is not exactly what is needed in certain situations.)
   
   
3. What happens when I believe that thought?
   
   Fear of losing my life, health, relationships, opportunities, insights, awakenings, realizations, money, house, certain possessions, supportive circumstances, my wife, parents, friends, teachers, books, music, sense of connection with God, anything familiar to me, and much more. The list is endless it seems. There is always more that I can fear loosing.
   
   There is also dread coming up, from anticipating loss. Fear, dread, horror, terror, sense of something horrible will happen, fear of the unknown happening. Fear of not knowing what may happen or when, of not knowing what I may loose at some point in the future and when.
   
   There is a wanting of holding onto what I have, as much as I can. Of not wanting to let it go. And then of guilt of not being able to hold onto it, and even of trying to hold onto it. Guilt and shame, for not being able to hold onto and of wanting to hold onto.
   
   There are images coming up, of everything I can loose, the many ways I can loose them - again apparently endless, and of what may happen to me if I loose them - again an endless parade of images one more horrible and terrifying than the other.
   
   I also go through lists of the range of things I can loose, and again the many ways it can happen, the many ways I can try to prevent it from happening, the many ways it may impact me, and so on.
   
   How do I relate to others when I have that belief?
   
   I view them with suspicion. Can they help me hold onto something? Or can they take something away from me, or even induce me to let go of something? I am guarded. Watchful. Suspicious. Holding them at bay until I can discern these things more accurately, which I never can to my own satisfaction.
   
   What is the worst that can happen if I let go of that belief?
   
   I may not mind loosing things, to the point of not even trying to hold onto anything. I may just become a mindless vegetable, allowing everything to fall away from me - even things that I could have taken care of better and hold onto better.
   
   
4. Who or what would I be without the belief I can lose something?
   
   I would be free from fear of loosing something. I would be OK with things coming and going, as they do all the time on their own, largely outside of the sphere of my influence. I would be clear. OK with what is. Even able to enjoy the comings and goings of everything.
   
   And I see that I would be perfectly able to take care of things as well, maybe even more appropriately and effectively - without the turmoil coming from holding that belief. I would be clear to take care of things - health, relationships, objects - in a more appropriate, effortless and effective way.
   
   
5. (a) I cannot lose anything.
   
   How is this as or more true than the initial statement?
   
   This is not immediately clear to me. I need time to allow it to sink in. I cannot lose anything... Hm... I can see that everything that I lost externally is still alive in my memory, at least that which I can still remember! That is one way it is true. It is still with me, as a memory.
   
   Also, things are not really lost - only transformed. The world of phenomena is a seamless process, always forming itself in new ways. Everything dies as what it is and is reborn as something else, all the time. In a way, everything is always lost, so it is not really possible to lose anything in particular in addition to this. At the same time, it is never really lost - only transformed.
   
   Also, it is all God manifesting in various ways. The same essence, or whatever we want to call it, is there in everything. It is all the play of God, and I have experienced and do experience that to varying extents.
   
   (b) I cannot lose some things.
   
   Hm... Are there things I cannot lose? Well, the only "thing" I can find that I cannot lose is awareness. When there is any sense of seeing, there is always awareness. If not, then there is no seeing either, so no experience of loss. This is all I can find in my immediate experience, and what seems indisputably true.
   
   When there is awareness of anything, there is at least awareness. And if there is not even awareness, then there is not even awareness of any loss of awareness.
   
   (c) Some things cannot lose me.
   
   Again, awareness is the only "thing" that comes up. Awareness can never lose me.
   
   (d) I can lose nothing.
   
   Well, this comes back to the initial turnaround. Nothing is really lost in my memory, as long as I can remember it. And if it is lost both in the external world and in my memory, there is no awareness of loss.
   
   This is actually quite interesting. Looking at it this way, I see that no real loss is possible. Either, it remains alive in my memory, or it is gone completely to the point of no awareness of loss. I see here that life is quite merciful in this way.
   
   It is only the idea of loss that is torture, when I believe in it. If I am with what is, what is real in my own experience, there is either no real loss - or no awareness of loss. Either way, life is mercifull.

Labels: impermanence, own inquiry