I notice a hesitancy in me about stably realizing selflessness. It has come and gone in different ways, and I have been at the edge of it for a while now, but also notice how I hold back. One of the reasons seems to be a fear that it may be boring, which comes from listening to folks who present realizing selflessness as some goal, or even some final destination. This seems boring, and also not aligned with my (limited) experience of it.

Stably realizing selflessness is boring.

1. Yes (That seems true when listening to some folks talking about it, although I also suspect it is not necessarily so.)
   
   
2. No (Cannot know that is absolutely true. Also cannot know what is best of my path.)
   
   
3. What happens when I believe that thought?
   
   I hover at the edge of it, not wanting to take the plunge into it. I hold back. Have a taste of it, and see that as sufficient. There is hesitation about going further. My intention is to hold back some, just enough for it to not be stable.
   
   What is the worst that can happen if I don't have that belief?
   
   I may realize selflessness, and be bored (!) without noticing it. I may not go further. I may see it as a final destination. I may not deepen into it, nor deepen into living from it. In that case, it would indeed be boring.
   
   What do I get from holding onto that belief?
   
   I get to hold back. Stay at the edges for a long time. Not taking the plunge.
   
   
4. Who or what would I be without that belief?
   
   Free to allow it in or not. Not stuck at the edge. Clear. Receptive. Adventurous. Interested in exploring that territory, and how to make it dynamic and evolving, and not boring.
   
   
5. (a) Stably realizing selflessness is not boring.
   
   That is probably as or more true. I have seen many who obviously do not make it boring. They continue to develop, evolve, mature, engage in life - at their human level. They just do it from a different context. That is all.
   
   (b) I am boring.
   
   Yes, that is true as well. I am boring when I attach to the initial belief. I am boring because I hold back. Because I stay at the edge for a long time. Because I am not evolving when I hold onto that belief.
   
   (c) I am not boring.
   
   True as well. There is always change, always something new, even at that edge. It is not that different. Evolution, maturing, exploring, engaging - all that happens before and after realizing selflessness. There is no difference, apart from in the context.
   
   (d) My thoughts are boring.
   
   Yes, when I believe people presenting the realization of selflessness as a final destination or a goal of some sort. That is truly a boring view to me, and one that I adopt when I attach to that thought - whether I believe it or try to push it away.
   
   (e) My thoughts are not boring.
   
   True, as they are always changing. They come and go, freshly in the present, as everything else. They also engage freely in the exploration process of whatever happens.

Labels: own inquiry