This is another universal pattern...

As long as there is a belief in the idea of "I", placed on something finite or a segment of what is, then there is the double sense of being inferior and superior. We are superior to some, and to who we were at certain times in the past, and to what we can be. And we are inferior in the same way. In short, we have a sense of being special.

Special: Saniel Bonder helps me

For me, this comes up in in my reactions against anyone who try to present their insights or their approach as special. Saniel Bonder is someone who does this very well for me. He functions as a really good projection object for me in this area.

As a side note: it seems that his need is to be and be perceived as special, and my need is the exact opposite - to see myself and be seen as not special. But these are just two sides of the same coin. It is the same dynamic, just played out in its two polarities. And who knows what is going on for him, this is just my story - reflecting what I need to see. It is his business anyway.

Inquiry

He should not try to be someone special (and present his insights as special).

1. Yes (that is what comes up for me)
   
   
2. No (just an opinion, just my personal preferences right now)
   
   
3. Something is triggered in me, quite strongly, when I see him as trying to present his insights as special. I experience disgust. Repulsion. Aversion. And there is a good deal of judgment. I see him as not very clear, and certainly not very mature. He comes across as a little kid trying to get attention, trying to get recognition - from himself and others. It seems immature, not seasoned. Something is not fully integrated in his views and life.
   
   At the same time, there is a sadness coming up as I see how I am separating myself from him and his insights in this way. I am actually separating myself from him, his insights, myself, the Wakin Down people in general, and anything valuable that I might learn from Waking Down and the Waking Down people. I tend to avoid everything relating to Saniel and Waking Down because of this.
   
   
4. I would see what I see, and be OK with it. I would be more clear. More level-headed about him and Waking Down. More receptive to him, his insights, and the gifts in Waking Down and in the Waking Down people. More connected, with myself, him, Waking Down, and the Waking Down folks.
   
   
5. (a) He should try to be someone special. (Yes. Because he is, as we all are. We are universally special, each one unique. And it is beautiful when we acknowledge that. When we can see that in ourselves and others. And he is particularly emphasizing that side of it. He can help me acknowledge that side, as I tend to emphasize the universality of it. He does his job beautifully. Even if it comes partly out of his own hangups, then that too is his job, and something he does very well.)
   
   (b) I shouldn't try to be someone special. (Yes, I can deepen into the universality of what is in me, and also realize selflessness more thoroughly.)
   
   (c) I should try to be someone special. (Yes, this is the area I have tried to not see. I can see and appreciate all our our uniqeness, including my own. My own unique gifts and qualities. For my own benefit, and that of others as well.)
   
   (d) My thoughts shouldn't try to be someone special. (Yes, that is true as well. They are universal, and are liberated in that realization. They are liberated from being taken personally.)
   
   

Special in unwanted ways

Whenever we believe in the thought "I" we feel special. We see ourselves as better and worse than others and ourselves - as we were and as we can be.

And for me, I have felt special in many unwanted ways in the past. During my awakening, beginning in the teens, there was certainly a sense of being special - with nobody to connect with around these thing, nobody who understood, nobody who shared the experiences and insights.

There was obviously no separation, only everything as consciousness and God. There was no separation, no separate I anywhere. At the same time, there was a deep loneliness at the human level from not finding anyone who seemed to live from the same experiences.

I could clearly see this sense of being special coming up, and the delusion in it, yet could not drop it as much as I wanted to do so. I could not figure out how to work through it completely.

Dark nigh as invitation to find myself as not special

The dark night phase was and is, in a certain way, an invitation to find myself as not special. To find myself as just ordinarily human and nothing more. Everything that could be a hook for any sense of being special went away, and left was just the ordinariness of being human - in a very pedestrian way.

I see that the awakening was not special - a similar awakening has been expressed by many, even at the same age as I was at its onset (sixteen). Similar insights abound in the spiritual literature. Similar integrations with modern views abound today, especially in the whole integral and transpersonal world. And many are far more clear than I. Far more integrated in their lives. Far more mature into it. Far more fluid in their daily lives. Far more ordinary. Far more special even. It is a great relief to see this.

And the dark night phase is an invitation to see how this human life is special, and to see this in a more relaxed and level-headed way. How it is unique as all human lives are unique.

The dark night phase is really an invitation to inquiry. To see all of this more clearly. The universality of it. That others have expressed everything in my life in a more developed and mature way. And that my life is unique as all human lives are unique.

None of these insights are new. They were all present from the beginning. But they are now lived in a different way from before. That is the main difference. They have gone through lived life in a different way.

Filters

This whole dynamic is in itself an example of how the universal is filtered in unique ways in each of our lives.

For me, the sense of being special was mostly unwanted so I push that away and seek the universal. For Saniel, the opposite may be the case. He may have felt that his unique insights were not appreciated by others, so he seeks recognition for his specialness. Of course, if he experiences a need for recognition by others, he is really seeking it from himself.

And this too, is all just a story. Just what I want to tell myself right now. I don't know what is true for him.

Labels: own inquiry, waking down