Unravelling
So I did end up going to the training (mentioned in previous posts) after all, after some phone conversations and with some trepidation. And it has definetely helped it to clear up.
I see how attached my personality is to have it a certain way, and how blinded I can become if I believe in it.
For instance, earlier today one of the teachers talked about thoughts and ideas in a relatively one-sided way, as if thoughts and ideas themselves were a problem and exlusively a problem.
For me, they are completely neutral in themselves (apart from adding to the richness of human life) and the belief in them makes all the difference. If there is a belief in a thought, any thought, then we are setting it up for suffering. Any idea, thought, insight and so on is limited, and life will always - at some point- show up differently. So if there is a belief in - attachment to - this idea, thought, insight, then there will be suffering. If there is no belief in the thought, idea, insight, then it just becomes a useful and practical tool for navigating in the world, for communication, for exploration into discernment.
In this case, having a belief or expectation that the teacher should always talk about these things in an inclusive and balanced way, it triggered something in me. My personality was not happy with it. But in the supportive atmoshpere, I also saw more clearly how completely silly it is to have this belief, attachment and expectation. When I believe this, or any other thought or idea, I am in effect telling Existence how to show up. And it is unaffected and manifests on its own anyway.
So just seeing this more clearly, in a supportive atmosphere, allowed this to (begin to) unravel - and just leave the clear & aware space which is always there, although sometimes hidden behind the drama of believing in thoughts.