The Difficulty of Being a Self
I see how much energy goes into and how difficult it is to create and upholding a self.
My immediate experience of myself is as space in which phenomena appears in the present. As capacity for the world, as Douglas Harding says it.
And when I try to create an image of myself as only a small part of this, it goes against what I spontaneously and effortlessly experience mysefl to be. I have to think myself into creating an image of a separate and fixed self, and this takes constant effort and energy. And it takes even more effort and energy to keep this image alive, compare everything against it, and creating all sorts of drama around it. I trick myself into seeing myself as a little object in a much larger world of unpredictable objects.
It is so much easier to come to myself as headless - as this space & everything appearing in the present. I am all arising here and now. There is ease and no need for drama.
I still discern, I still take care of this small self, but this small self now arises within me along with the rest of the whole rich fluid tapestry of phenomena.